Throughout my time on this planet, I’ve learned many things; handy bits and pieces like: Always carry a spare, waste not want not, make sure you have an alibi, and most importantly it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. I suppose these are what the BuzzFeed generation would call ‘Life Hacks’. My point is, relax. Hey, we’re only on this crazy planet once (that’s WOOTCPO to you Feeders out there) – So take a chill pill.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. ‘But Roy-ster, you don’t need pills to chill. Kick back legally.’ You’re exactly right, young reader. Hashtag!
Since I’ve been staying round my friend Danger Dan’s rather rustic bachelor pad, I’ve taken to yoga. There’s something about those initial deep breaths that just make all the noise disappear. Dan’s ‘den’ as it’s become known can get pretty boisterous – lads will be lads after all. There’s just something about thick, glossy smoke and drum n’ bass I find a tad distracting at 4 am – But hey, the party can’t stop on my account and if you’re reading this Claire, I’m having such a good time at the party anyway that I wouldn’t want it to stop. Plus unlike your parties, I didn’t have to buy shit nibbles and talk to Graham about his skiing holiday.
After I pop this morning chill-axative and poo out a healthy amount of blood, I find it energising to go for a drive. Absolutely nothing of note happened on my Sunday drive between the hours of 8am and 10am and on my return to see Dan, we went to get a croissant from the Lidl bakery of which I still have the receipt. We then watched 5 hours of Columbo, getting up only to pay our television license online as we do regularly.
Now, I love a good crime-drama, although there was something quite chilling about one particular episode that had me on edge. Sweats, paranoia, grinding teeth – perhaps that’s just the mark of good tele. Who am I to say? I’m just a man. An innocent man in a chair.
In this particular episode – I didn’t catch the name, so for argument’s sake we’ll call it ‘A Long Drive to Murder-Town’ – well, it featured some unsettling scenes. On committing a murder, the antagonist drove the body to a construction site and staged her suicide.
I’ve never done a murder so I wouldn’t know, but that seems like a long way to go for a cover up. All that drive, lot o’ petrol money probably… traffic! It’s clearly just not worth it. Plus, women are jumping off things all the time. It’s human nature.
Columbo, however suspects foul play – Why doesn’t he just go and write a blog or something? Look, he’s a great detective and I love the police – Even the one that arrested me for indecent exposure at Whipsnade Zoo in 2006 – He was a good guy.
Columbo, on the other hand or any policeman who’s prepared to jump to wild conclusions for the sake of a good story – You’re irresponsible and you’re wasting tax-payer money. It’s that lolling simple.
Oh – And just one more thing: How about we get some bloody paperwork done next episode, OK lieutenant?